Having spent more time than ever before in the comfort of our own homes (who knows what day it is anymore?), it’s safe to say that things are starting to get grizzly – if they haven’t already.
Maybe it’s the fact that you’re at your wits end with your siblings, or the internet is trying its hardest to keep everyone in the household sane, or your S/O’s breathing is simply becoming more and more irritating. Overall, we’ve been in isolation for long haul, and more than a few pet peeves are rearing their annoying heads.
For some frustration relief, join us for the second edition of The Rant: Iso Peeves. First up, we have…
Now? We’re out here wearing the same clothes day after day (to tactfully reduce the amount of washing we have to do, duh), eating lunch at 10pm, and bathing in our natural scents. The only part of our bodies we’re regularly washing are our hands. I’m talking about the utter needlessness to shower if no one’s seeing us, aside from the people we’re sharing our space with. It’s a fool-proof, masterful plan, right? Wrong. Pretty soon, whenever you bump into your housemate in the kitchen during yet another escapade to retrieve more snacks, you realise that you’re not the only one forgoing a shower unless you really need to – and that said shower is probably feeling as neglected and untouched as a middle-aged woman in a failing marriage.
THE STANKY HOUSEMATE
We’re all on the same page here (please tell me we are) when it comes to showering. First week in, isolation was a ‘stick to routine, stay on track!!’ vibe, which we love and stan. Second week became a ‘I deserve to relax, this is an opportunity for me time!’ moment, which we also respect.
Invest in a household promise: an expectation of 2 days between bodily cleanses, max. That way, the place you’re sharing doesn’t slowly but surely start to mould and develop an odour worse than that of your collective armpit juices. <3
THE INTERNET HOG
The TV show you’ve dedicated your day to is at its final episode of the season. You’re on the couch hooked; completely negligent to the hours flicking over and to your muscles twisting in the same curled position for the last six hours. Everything is coming to a climax in this final episode: the killer is almost revealed, the main character is about to have a breakthrough, that toxic boyfriend is about to get dumped – but all of a sudden, the scene freezes, and that little loading sign of death pops up. 10%, 55%, 99%… 99%… still 99%…yep. It’s that time again. Time to run downstairs and yell to your family: ‘WHO’S DOWNLOADING SOMETHING!!!’.
Poor internet, having to bear the god-awful weight of keeping its household harmony intact. Maybe go easy on it every now and then by cracking open a book. Honestly, there’s nothing like a technological detox every once in a while.
THE ‘LETS DO ____!’ PARENT
Thank you so much, Father, not only for waking me up every single day at 10AM, but for reiterating how vital exercise is for maintaining energy and a good mood throughout isolation! I had no idea, regardless of the fact that you tell me on a daily basis! Again, despite how delightful the thought of working out sounds, no, I will not go on a casual jog with you around the block! <3 Love you though!
And unfortunately no, Mother Dearest, as much as it may surprise you, I do not possess a desire to take up meditation OR yoga! Please, persistent parental figures, allow me to remain nestled in my bedroom, conducting my carefully constructed and well-rehearsed rotation of watching Netflix, listening to the same four albums on Spotify, and learning how to twerk. Thank you kindly.
I see you over there. How dare you. How dare you look so sexy and so mysterious in the corner of the kitchen, all day and all night. You’re tempting me. Tall, dark and handsome stranger, you are the very manifestation of the idea that those you love will hurt you the most. I’m sick of eating because I’m bored, but I can’t stop. You have such an allure. I’m not excited to roll out of quarantine like Violet from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory after she turns into a blueberry, but I understand that it’s a reality that can’t be fought. Acceptance will be the only road to moving forward from this matter.
HELLO, SOCIAL MEDIA!
As you scroll mindlessly for the thirty-third time this morning, you’ll probably be inundated, again, by countless updates from multiple middle-aged/elderly Facebook users who have, all of a sudden, developed a KEEN determination for posting/sharing everything that comes up in their minds and on their feeds.
But it’s not just the Gen X’s and Boomers…everybody’s guilty in their own way. You’re becoming very exposed to the fact that every scroll feels like hacking your way through a forest of SHARE A PHOTO OF YOUR GAME FACE followed by 6 unflattering photos of someone playing sport, and THERE WERE 4 PEOPLE IN A ROOM, HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LEFT IF YOU ENTERED THE ROOM, 5 OUT OF 5 PEOPLE WILL GET THIS WRONG! Opening Instagram is its own anxiety-inducing venture, with minute-by-minute attempts to avoid a tag in a SEE 5 DO 5 push-up challenge. NO I WON’T FUCKING DO IT GEORGIA.
With all that being said, aside from these ‘minor’ pet peeves, our patience and diligence in keeping isolated is slowly starting to pay off. We have to hand it to ourselves – saving the world by staying the fuck at home has never been so easy for most of us.
Your fiery, dad-like energy makes you very entertaining at parties. You’re probably the type of person to ~loudly~ announce that you’re about to do a shoey – good for you. A beer is your perfect drink: It’s tough, it does the job and it’s a staple beverage loved (and hated) by many.
As a drink, champagne describes your personality to a tee: you’re bubbly, enjoyable at all hours, and you dress to impress…and you probably adore your brunch. Sometimes you go a bit overboard but that’s okay, it’s all part of the celebration.
Classy, yet also a little trashy; the ultra-recognisable duality of a Gemini. You love to socialise and hang out with your friends and like white wine, you’re enjoyed by many. Whether you’re dry like Pinot Grigio, or sweet like Moscato, you’re fun to be around regardless.
Gin and tonic
You’re like the mother everybody needs, and nobody asked for. Sometimes after a long day of caring too much for people, you need to knock back a drink and feel large and in charge. A G&T has you covered: the essence of unique flavours combined with a squeeze of lime will make you feel like your true self; refreshed and grown-up.
A flashy flavourful fire sign like yourself needs something with some extra zing to match your energy. Ruled by the sun, Leos are bright entertainers – you always let people know you’re here to shine. The powerful tang of tequila mixed with the pretty colours of a sunset, and the citrusy flavour of orange juice reflect your fiery attitude and your confidence.
Virgos are often aligned with purity. You like things simple, easy and neat, so red wine is the drink for you. It suits your class, your even temperament and your superior, mature energy, while reflecting your hardiness and your deep ability to love. As a Virgo, you can’t go wrong with a glass of red.
As an air sign ruled by Venus, the planet of beauty and romance, you’re always looking for fun. You love to socialise, flirt and party. You are open minded and relaxed, and always looking to try new things. Daiquiris are a fun drink, full of fruity flavours and served in a pretty glass, representing the side of you that loves to look good.
Scorpios radiate a very feminine, darker kind of energy. Like a tall woman dressed in all black with gigantic sunglasses, who walks with purpose. A cosmopolitan is a classy drink that matches your deep and mysterious vibe. When you see a person order a cosmopolitan, you know to approach with caution. It’s a drink that means business.
Like the tequila sunrise to a Leo, a sangria matches your fiery energy perfectly. You tell it how it is, and you have no time to mess around. A sangria is bold and fruity and shows off your entertaining yet kind-of scary personality. Good on a hot summer’s day or in freezing cold winter, like a sangria, a Sagittarius bursts with flavour and doesn’t let the outside world affect its impact.
Ruled by Saturn, you’re such a hard worker that you’re probably always tired at the end of the day. Feeling this planet’s hardship and discipline deeply, you deserve a drink that’s gonna burst with flavour and knock you back into relaxation mode. A whiskey sour is flavourful and earthy and, like a Capricorn, tough as nails but with a fun, flirty, criminally underrated flavour.
Vodka lime soda
Aquarius is an air sign, commonly seen as easy going yet analytical and assertive. You’re light and breezy like an easy, fun and refreshing vodka soda. Your free spirit needs a drink that reflects your gentle airy personality and won’t make you feel sick or slow you down.
Full of emotions and love for the world, you seek out friendships and a fun, sweet lifestyle. You are open to amusement and adventure, almost a little too intensely. A blue lagoon is a sweet, fun drink that represents a Pisces’ energy almost perfectly. All in all, you are candy for the sweet tooth: a little sickly sweet, but adored and loved by everybody.
Everyone’s doing it tough right now, including your regular uni food spots. But you can show your love for the hospitality industry by supporting your favourite businesses and bars still operating tirelessly around Glenferrie. Restaurants have readily transitioned into delivery services, making it easier than ever to access food and make ‘eating out’ an ‘eating in’ experience. Here are a few of our favourites.
The staple burger joint we know and love is still operating through regular takeaway, Uber Eats, Menulog, and DoorDash. While no shisha is available through delivery, you can supplement your classic shakes with burgers, wings, and fries – very handy for when your groceries haven’t quite stretched through to the end of the week.
While the Hawka part of your Tuesday night is temporarily postponed, you don’t have to go without its hand-in-hand 2AM feast down the road. Our beloved HSP place is still open for takeaway and are offering delivery via DoorDash, UberEats and Deliveroo.
While their Malvern, Balaclava and Carlton stores are big enough to maintain social distancing, their Glenferrie Road store is closed until mid-May. But don’t fret – they’re still operating via delivery with UberEats & Deliveroo! Treat yo’self to some yo’chi (Sorry. Had to do it).
Australian Venue Co initiative Meals for Hospo Mates will soon operate through two of your locals, The Hawthorn & Beer Deluxe. If you’re an out-of-work hospo worker, you’ll be eligible to pounce on this deal and get a $3 takeaway meal. Stay tuned via the Hawthorn Hotel & Beer Deluxe Facebook pages and check out the link below for updates about this service.
With some of the tastiest Mexican food around, Fonda remains available at their Richmond, Windsor, Hawthorn and Bondi restaurants! Open 5pm-9pm every night, with delivery available through UberEats & Deliveroo, as well as a fun link you can currently access via their Instagram bio.
Takeaway business as usual for this divine pizza place, for both their Hawthorn East & Malvern restaurants. Order online, over the phone or directly via UberEats for some authentic Italian pizzas at a reasonable price.
Open for takeaway from 7am-2pm daily. Call to make a pickup order or deliver via UberEats or Deliveroo! You’ll still get the same tasty nibbles and great coffee. Do your part to support these local guys.
There’s some classic breakfast and lunch meals available here – as well as coffee, which is still available for takeaway daily, from 8am-3pm. Just make sure to respect social distancing measures in their small store.
These OGs are still mixing those Mango Magics! Download the Boost Juice app to order so you can pop in and out with speed, or order for delivery through UberEats and Deliveroo. Their Glenferrie store is open Monday to Friday 9:30am-5:00pm, and Saturday, Sunday 10am-5pm.
Located on Auburn Road, which will grant you a nice walk through Rocket Park, The Counter cafe is open daily from 7:30am-2pm. This quaint coffee place has been supporting our community since this crisis began, with free coffees for those struggling, no questions asked – what a lovely gesture of kindness and empathy. Please give back to this business.
Operating as a take away and delivery café, one of the best cafes in Richmond is running their full food menu, with delivery available via Deliveroo and Uber Eats. Going the extra mile to make sure their community is supported, this amazing team have also been delivering pasta, bread, rice, and milk at cost price to anyone requiringgoods in self-isolation. They have also arranged free delivery to the 3121 area with ready-made meals. If you’re looking for small businesses to give back to, consider these guys. See @myohmyespresso for daily updates!
Our beloved Pancake Parlour have commenced a new contactless ordering system at their Doncaster & Malvern East restaurants – available via an online Click & Collect service and Drive Thru pickup. Cheap & easy eats without leaving your car. Also available through Deliveroo, DoorDash and Menulog delivery services.
For delicious burgers and beer, this place is operating full takeaway service, and delivery through Uber Eats and Deliveroo. Plus, alcohol delivery services are available when you order a burger to surrounding areas, which includes craft beer, cider & wine! Altered opening hours are 12am-9pm Thursday to Friday, and 5-9pm on weekends.
Opening 5pm every day, with takeaway and DoorDash services – plus 1/2 price tacos every Tuesday! Providing authentic Mexican dishes, this warm little place thrives on a love for food and community. If you love Mexican, this place deserves your TLC.
Their Hawthorn branch is delivering via Deliveroo and UberEats, and their Richmond, South Yarra & St Kilda stores remain open Monday to Sunday. Don’t sacrifice nutrition when it comes to indulging in some devilish delivery. Spudbar’s got all your veggie needs covered!
Please note: delivery services like Menulog, Uber Eats, DoorDash, and Deliveroo are requesting to leave your orders at your door to stop the spread of COVID-19. Respect your delivery driver by refraining from contact and go the extra mile while thanking them for their service. And remember, social distancing measures still apply when ordering takeaway in store.
You all know her sassy, Twitter-fighting, long-sleeve-under-t-shirt-wearing self. Some of you have tried to pick her up, most of you have probably been cut off by her. It’s the OG we all love, TheRachel Lloyd-Owens of the Hammer & Swine (H&S).
Rachel took some time out of her isolation schedule last week for a cheeky chat with me.
G: So, my queen, when did you start at the H&S?
R: I started at the beginning of 2018, so I’ve worked there for two years and a bit?
G: Wowee! So that makes you the longest standing employee!
R: Yeah, I guess. The OG!
G: And how did you get the position?
R:When I first started Uni in 2017, I lived at the H&S. Me and my friendship group always hung out there, so I became mates with one of the bartenders – shout out to Dan – throughout the course of that year. In all our conversations I’d mention how lucky he was to work there and how much I’d love a job at the campus Uni bar.
Sometime towards the end of 2017, the guy who managed the bar at the time left, which led to the era of our boy Matt Latham as bar manager. When Matt first started and was looking for staff, he made a post in StalkerSpace (for a job opening) which I saw, and instantly was so keen, so my friend Dan put in a good word for me. I was the first person interviewed, and after that I started working pretty much straight away!
G: Very nice. So, tell us about your first shift.
R: Yeah so, my first shift was O-week 2018…
G: Oh my gosh, straight into the deep end!
R: Yeah, I pretty much didn’t know anything about pouring beer, didn’t know anything about cocktails, so my first shift was eventful… I remember we were right in the middle of O-week free drinks, there was a non-stop line out the door. Matt pulled me aside and quickly showed me how much head was supposed to be in a cup – and that was how I learnt! Luckily for me I’m a quick learner so I picked it up easy-peasy.
G: They say the best way to learn is just jumping straight in…
R: Yep, pretty much!
G: Since then you’ve truly blossomed into the beautiful bar wench we all know and love. In your time, you’ve definitely seen a lot at the H&S – what do you reckon have been some of the biggest or best nights?
R: Definitely the night of Harry Potter Trivia, in Semester 2, 2019. It was the same night as Matt’s going away party! I just remember it was so packed, probably the busiest night I’ve ever worked.
G: Yes!!! Izzy and I were there that night, the place was packed!
R: Yeah it was so crazy, the crowd was so thick we could barely move around to collect glasses. Everyone was having such a good time, there was a national flag being used as a beer bong… what a night.
G: A good time indeed.
In your time, what ways have you seen the Hammer & Swine evolve, as a business and in terms of its clientele?
R: Well I’d say when I first started there wasn’t really a culture of ‘regulars.’ Customers would come for one drink, study a bit and then we’d never see them again. It was always different people coming in and out, never any faces you’d see week after week. The events we held, like trivia, were never big. But over time I noticed that certain people and groups started making a habit of coming every Thursday night, or for lunch on a Monday, or on a Wednesday afternoon after class – people were starting to integrate it into their days, if they had a break, they’d come hang out at the Swine for a bit. And now that culture of regulars well and truly exists.
G: Yes, I love that! There are the PhD students on a Thursday, mates who come to visit you because they know when your shifts are, friends of friends who don’t even go to Swinburne, but come for a pint and a chat.
R: Exactly, some big friendship groups, sometimes just two pals, some just come by themselves to sit at the bar and chat to us while we work. Especially this year, even in the few weeks we were open before Miss Rona came to visit, there were already groups of first years being established and frequenting the place pretty regularly.
G: Students, staff, doesn’t matter; it’s such a good feeling to know Hammer & Swine is a community for everyone.
R: Yeah, it’s such a good feeling as a bartender to get excited for my shifts because I know who I’m going to be pouring beer for and chatting to all afternoon.
G: Big heart feelies. So, in saying that, what is your favourite part about your job at the Hammer & Swine?
R: Ooh, gotta be a bit cheesy and say I love the people who I work with and the customers. The vibe is always chill, everyone’s either studying or chatting with a drink, or having some down time. A Thursday night always consists of people with their mates just there to have a good time and it’s just good to see students engage and have fun.
G: A group of Swinburne students walk into the Hammer & Swine. What do they see an off-shift Rachel doing and drinking?
R: Look – I’d either be hanging around the bar having a chat or doing some work if I had any to do. I’d probably be sipping on one of our sangrias, or if we had any sour beers in, that’s my staple. Otherwise a good vodka cran goes alright.
G: If a customer wanted to piss you off, what would they do?
R: OOH… Obviously if they’re smoking in the outdoor area… I’d go off, but other than that I guess just giving me attitude, acting as if they know more about my job than me, like little comments on how I’m making a drink – grrr. You wouldn’t do that at a nightclub. Don’t forget I have control of whether you get to drink or not 🙂
G: A hundred percent – you heard it here first folks. Alrighty, I think we’re pretty much done – any last words before this Q&A comes to a close?
R: One thing I will say is, treat bar staff nicely! If you fail to do so, rest assured that you’ll be all the bar staff talk about 🙂
We’re all prone to ranting every once in a while. Tell me you haven’t whipped out your phone and filmed a 20 second Snapchat rant about how much so-and-so pissed you off. Maybe you’re one of those people that comments on Facebook threads, ripping into idiots for being idiots. Or you leave lengthy, and rather colorful, Google reviews for dissatisfying products. Whatever your flavor of ranting, as humans we all have a natural desire to bitch, moan and vent.
So I present to you, the first edition of The Rant. A place where I discuss the reasons why everything from social etiquette, to food, movies and global pandemics (mayhaps), suck! This week, we’ve got a plethora of shitty behavior to rant about, starting with:
Fiends On Campus
Not Wearing Deodorant
You might not smell it, but we all do. It’s not ‘organic’ or ‘natural’ to let your unrelenting odour roam free. You’re not a hippy. Three seconds in the morning folks. A little spray under each pit and you’ve ruled out pissing off the majority of people you spend the day with. (And no, a shower is not a replacement for scent repellent. Double whammy that shit).
A public place is bad enough, but in a building literally made out of floor to ceiling glass walls? You’re not only exposing yourself to the many,manypeople around, but to the pedestrians and drivers all along Burwood Road. Plain nasty. Keep it to the privacy of your own home – preferably your own bedroom – or the shower cubicle. Freaks.
Begging Week After Week For Free Drinks at The Hammer & Swine
One might assume this would get tiresome: pleading and nagging the same bartenders that put up with your daily, drunken pestering for just one slurp of the devil’s juice on the house. One might assume these hounding scabs would give it up after they’re granted the same, un-resounding ‘piss off’ time and time again, right? One would sadly be incorrect.
Maybe the hope that you’ll one day hear a ‘you know what, just because you asked for the 2394th time, shots all round!’ is far too strong. However, for those few bothersome, persistent, unrelenting pains in the asses (not directly referring to a certain Jack Kalkerup or Hakeem Faizan), it is not within their capacity to fathom a day in which they cease and desist this badgering. Alas, the bar staff will probably never see the end of this era. We are, however, able to daydream about kicking them out. <3
Changing the Music When There’s a Queue on the Spotify Playlist at Hammer & Swine
Straight up don’t. Or your friendly neighborhood bar manager will unleash the bar staff, especially Izzy Sapwell, on you.
Leaving Rubbish Strewn Across a Table in a Venue
You wouldn’t litter outside or leave dirty dishes in the sink for somebody else to do? (and if you would, you’re trash – pardon the pun).
So to score some brownie points with the bartender who’s been getting you drunk all night, you’d bring your empty glasses back up to the bar on your way out, right? This may not win you a free pint but will certainly win the hearts of hospo staff everywhere. Do the right thing.
Move like you have somewhere to be, people! How am I supposed to walk into class half an hour late, coffee in hand and sunglasses on, if your tortoise-ass is taking one step a minute in front of me? And same goes for congregating around the station. Trains don’t be waiting for the poor cobber stuck behind a friendship group moving at snail’s pace. Giddyup, slackers!
Seeing Budveen Hewabaddage On Campus and Not Saying Hello
The Oxford dictionary defines crime as ‘an action or omission which constitutes an offence and is punishable by law.’ A quick thesaurus search reveals such synonyms as: offence, illegal act, misdemeanor, transgression and lastly, sin. All the above describe the act of failing to warmly greet Budveen, our Welfare Officer, if you are so blessed to run into him on John Street or in the UN Building. Similar is the act of not asking him how his day has been. That sucks even more.
If you know why some other things suck, feel free to email them to email@example.com or #therant and you may very well see them in this article in the future.
Are you bored at home, with nothing left to do? Already learnt all the TikTok dances you could muster, annoyed every family member you live with and now, are simply moping around the house wondering what’s next?
I’m going to go right ahead and say what I will one day say to my children: ‘You think you know what boredom is?’ Honestly, boredom is the greatest gift 2020 has blessed us with. What a way to push you out of your usual zone and force you to try something you would never otherwise think of attempting.
If you haven’t checked off every single item on this Isolation Bucket/To Do List, I don’t want to hear you so much as utter the word boredom.
So, go on, try some (or all!) of the following. I dare you and support you in equal measure.
Adopt a pet rock and paint a face on it with white-out.